Mental Health Awareness Week: Loneliness

This week is mental health awareness week, focused on loneliness. Here’s my take on how to cope, when you feel an overwhelming sense of being alone. #IveBeenThere

The reason why there is such a big focus on loneliness, is because it’s something which affects so many people – a pandemic in its own right. Did you know, around 1 in 4 adults feel lonely, some or all of the time, and this was exasperated during the covid lockdowns.

While anyone can experience feeling lonely, certain risk factors can increase loneliness and affect our mental health, including:

• Being widowed
• Being single
• Being unemployed
• Living alone
• Having a long-term health condition or disability
• Being a carer
• Being from an ethnic minority

I’m one of the “lucky” ones, as I can tick off three of those things in the above list: Single, Living alone, and having a long-term health condition. Yay me! But, I’m one of the blessed ones, in that I’ve learned how to embrace my “aloneness” – a term which spins being lonely on it’s head into a positive.

“Loneliness is a lack, a feeling that something is missing, a pain, a depression, a need, an incompleteness, an absence. Aloneness is presence, fullness, aliveness, joy of being, overflowing love. You are complete. Nobody is needed, you are enough.”

vocabulary.com

Embracing our aloneness, doesn’t mean we stop feeling lonely. It means we find ways of not allowing the feelings of loneliness to be so overwhelming.

In practice, what does this mean?

1. For so many people, their first port of call is to check Social Media. However, in my experience, this has the reverse effect… it actually makes me feel more lonely, because of all the photos and posts of people with family, friends, children etc. So, I honed my social media heavily:
   
   – I became more selective on Instagram about the pages I follow – the beauty of the algorithms, means Instagram stopped showing me content which highlights my lonely life!
   
   – I reduced my time on Facebook… I still want to see what friends are up to, but I tend to read the comments of pages like our local community group, instead: Hours of fun.
   
   – I started using messenger more, to message and video call friends, rather than having a “Facebook stalker” relationship with them.
   
   Even connecting with one person, in the middle of an “I feel so lonely” episode, can break the isolation, and help to feel connected to others.
   
   
2. I also found – especially during lockdown – many entertainment shows, don’t take into consideration the millions of people living on their own. So, as much as I love my boy, Declan Donnelly, and his mate… I stopped watching his programmes, among others, when the “online audience” were all in pairs and groups. I chose to watch programmes I might not have chosen, like documentaries (ancient Egypt anyone?!).
   
   
3. This gave me more time to focus on my hobbies and interests: reading, being outside, and photography.
   

How does this help to beat loneliness?

Well, being alone doesn’t have to equate to feeling lonely. I know it’s easier for introverts (like me) to handle not being around people as much. But, it’s not impossible for extroverts to own their alonement in a positive way, too – to use the phrase coined by Francesca Specter.

As I said in a previous post, I’m learning to embrace the solo adventure I’m on. Going for solo hikes was a little scary, initially, but… the more I do it, the further I’m venturing. Even attending a “family” event at a medieval castle over Easter! I have even been away on my own: over Christmas, and glamping in Wales.

How does this beat loneliness? Because I’m focusing on things outside of my own head, rather than allowing the thoughts to overwhelm me, and drag me down into a negative thought pattern. I’m alone, but connecting with nature, exploring new places, taking in the present moment in order to find the positives in my situation. Sure, it would be great to have someone with me… sometimes! But actually, I don’t have to wait around before I head off somewhere I want to see.

Even sitting in the garden, I have a couple of squirrels I’m in a daily battle with, over the bird food. No time for feeling lonely!

And as a Christian…

The Bible tells me I’m never alone, because God is with me, and He will not leave me. So, in the moments when I can’t get out, or call anyone, and when I do feel lonely, I’ve connected with God. Through worship, through reading the Scriptures, or prayer, there have been times when I have been blessed by the tangible presence of God, who reassures me I’m not alone.

Don’t struggle in silence

Loneliness is hard. But, you don’t have to feel overwhelmed by a sense of isolation and being lonely. Your situation may not change, but your mindset can.

If you do feel lonely, and aren’t sure how to stop the negative spiral of thoughts from pulling you down, then please… reach out to someone. Even if you’re not sure which of your friends you can contact, there are groups online and numbers you can call, any hour of the day or night.

Find your way of managing your loneliness, so you can embrace the positives in each moment, instead of the negatives. I don’t say it lightly – I say it because it’s what I’ve had to learn to do.

The problem with Christians and Online Dating

After an unsuccessful experience, the last straw came when a guy clearly in his 60s, tried to claim he was 52, and “liked” me. Showing all that is wrong with online dating. I’m so over it, I instantly deleted my profile and will embrace single life to the max… at least until the next time I complain to one of my girlfriends how over single life I am!

I never had much hope of Online Dating working for me… even though I’d been told many times, “so-and-so met so-and-so, and now look how happy they are”. I’m sure you’d have your own story to share with me of how it can work.

But, just because it works for some, doesn’t mean it will work for everyone, and I think we need to make it OK for Christian women to feel OK about choosing to not go down that road – even if it is a Christian site. At times, I was encouraged (coerced with twisting of arms and threats of violence 😉 ) to sign-up. At other times I felt like the land is so barren I had to try something different.

So, let me share my experiences:

1. The amount of “Christian guys” on the Christian dating site, who uploaded photos of themselves lying in bed. Or on a pillow. Or half dressed. Like, DUDE! This is not tinder! If you want THAT kind of woman, I doubt very much you’ll find her on a Christian dating site. GET UP & GET DRESSED!
2. The amount of guys “catfishing” with out-of-date photos or group photos… maybe of themselves, maybe of a friend?! Who even knows! You can’t portray yourself as an older version of who you once were, it’s a false impression, we all change over time. It isn’t fair to the women who think they’re getting one version of you and end-up meeting someone different.
3. The guys who broke the Dating Site rules and jumped straight in with “call me” or “can we FaceTime?” NO DUDE! I don’t know you from Adam. The rules are there to protect people. Not for you to abuse them, and try to worm your way around them. What kind of man does that make you?!
4. The amount of guys my age (40s) and (slightly) older who want someone younger. Which is great. But, ruling women in their 40s, just because we’re in our 40s, means you’ve missed someone amazing who could have enriched your life #justsayin
5. Call me judgy if you want, but having photos of you sitting there surrounding by cans of beer, and some interesting looking cigarettes isn’t going to make me want to talk to you. In fact. RED FLAG! Same for a face-full of tattoos.
6. The guys who would never come up and talk to you in real life, but try to talk to you in virtual life. Mate… I’m sure you’re lovely, and the right woman will love you. But, if you know you wouldn’t talk to me in the real world, what’s the point – this isn’t Amazon where you can “try before you buy” and send something back when you realise it’s not right for you. I didn’t “try it” with those guys I knew were out of my league (not many 😉 !!)… And I don’t just mean physically – I mean career-wise, lifestyle, spiritually, Church involvement, etc.
7. Those who said they want more children. I’ve heard in the past how some guys tick that option because they think it is what Christian women want to hear – even if it’s not something they actually want. You’re using this as bait. But you’re also alienating women who can’t have children, but would make great partners – or step mums (if that’s your situation). If you can’t be honest about such a deal-breaker, then what else will you be dishonest about???

To the women (and guys) who are genuinely looking for a life partner:
Online dating can feel a bit like a cattle market. It can feel discouraging when no one “likes” you, or the person you tried to connect with ignores you. Please, don’t allow this to affect how you see yourself. Don’t let it make you feel low about yourself, what you’ve written on your profile, or how you look in photos. It’s not real life. It’s not always easy to put across in a profile how amazing you are. Photos can never do justice to how beautiful you are – because how you look is more about what’s within you and shines out of you – cameras can’t capture this.

I saw in some of the discussions how disheartened so many people (women) felt because they didn’t have any joy in finding the right person online. Give yourself a time-frame. If it hasn’t worked out for you in that time-frame, know when to call it a day. Maybe hide your profile for a while, if you don’t want to delete it. Invest in you – because you are worth more than the number of like, waves and conversations you receive.

I know how challenging it’s been to be single throughout the pandemic. I know this is probably a motivating factor in why you set up your profile (statistics show dating sites became more active during the lockdowns). I know life might be better with a companion, and someone to love who will love you back. But for now, this is where we’re at. It’s better to invest in you, rather than lower your standards.

Embrace the solo adventures, and do those things you think you can only do if you had a partner. You don’t have to wait. One of my greatest joys are the solo hikes I go on… and believe it or not, there is a whole community of women like me bragging about our solo hikes online.

I don’t know you – but God chose you, and in my books, that makes you amazing.

PS: It’s taken me months to write this because it’s such a big issue, and deeply personal to talk about. But if I can help one person, with what I’ve written, then I’m happy I finally published it.

When the Hermit life is forced upon you

When I was growing up, I had absolutely no ambitions to be a hermit; I don’t know about you. I grew up in a house with three brothers, and often wished they would “just leave me alone”, or “get out of my room!” But, until adulthood, I’d never actually known what it was like to be alone.

Even when I first moved into my own place in London, I was so rarely in the flat, it was a relief to go home and fall into bed, or enjoy a peaceful morning before heading back out. And, more recently after my divorce, if I felt like being alone was too lonely, I’d often take myself off to a coffee shop or restaurant with my laptop or a book, and find solace in “people-noise”.

But, now, I find myself living as a hermit! Some are born hermits, some achieve hermit-status, whilst others have hermitness thrust upon us. AKA a recluse. AKA a loner.

Before 2020, all of these ways in which we classed people who CHOSE to be alone, had negative connotations. We weren’t sure what to make of anyone who didn’t interact with others. As children, we passed on scary stories of the old recluse, or the miserly hermit as someone to be afraid of.

Now, however, there are millions of people living alone, who have been forced into seclusion. I know we weren’t created to “be alone”; but surely there are some benefits to living by ourselves? Even for prolonged periods, like this, when we can’t even hide among the crowds.

1. Being alone isn’t (always) something to be afraid of.
   Essentially, the choice of being around people has been taken away. I know we can meet with someone from a different household for exercise or spend time with our support bubble, yada yada, but this isn’t really the same thing. So, we have to find ways to deal with the situation we’re in. Which means, first and foremost, embracing it. Even for introverts, the lockdown is tough: because whilst we do enjoy our own company, we also have our favourite people with whom we like spending time with.
   
   Being alone doesn’t make you the kind of person others don’t want to be around. Nor does it mean you are unloveable. And it definitely doesn’t make you the person you heard about as a youngster who scared little children. These are lies designed to kick you when you’re already feeling low.
   
   I know it’s not your choice. I know you’d rather be with people: probably even a special person. I know it’s hard. And I know it feels like there is no end to the loneliness. But, don’t fear the future, embrace the time you have for yourself, whilst you have it. This won’t last forever. It can’t.
   
   
2. Being alone can actually be empowering.
   When you lived at home, how much freedom did you really have with your space? Or in how you wanted to spend your day? Or in discovering yourself? Being alone empowers you to do all this, and more.
   
   Running a home by yourself is a huge financial challenge – but it can also give you the greatest sense of achievement. I’m not the world’s greatest DIY-er, but I’ve built stuff, and fixed stuff which is allowing me to create the space I want. When I first moved in, I was in a very different place, emotionally, and my home reflected my state of mind. So now, as I change, my home is slowly changing with me, and is becoming my sanctuary. So, it is a real blessing, on some of those darkest days, to shut out the world, switch on the fire, and be me in peace.
   
   I can hear myself think – not always a good thing, granted! But, I have the opportunity to spend time with myself, read as late as I want, eat what I want, watch what I want, sing as loudly as I want, cry when I need to without having to hide behind my hair, and dance like no one is watching – because it would be a bit stalkerish if there was!
   
   All of these empower me to feel comfortable in my skin, as I understand myself better, without the shadow of a stronger personality inhibiting me.
   
   
3. Being alone enables you to practice self-care.
   I think this is a big one for us, especially during the prolonged lockdown, because it does feel harder as time goes on. And this, my friend, is nothing to be ashamed of. I’m in my 40’s and have days when I really struggle – I’m not going to lie. And, I don’t think there is any age when it becomes easier to live alone.
   
   The first step to self-care is recognising when you need it. The second is identifying what you can do to administer what you need, when you need it. For some, this might mean a video or phone call – just so you can talk to someone! For someone else, it might mean leaving the house – I’m so thankful I live on the edge of the Peak District, and have so many incredible places to walk or hike: sometimes with a friend, sometimes alone. Sometimes, with the opportunity to purchase food & drink to take with me. My greatest sense of self-care is when I am out in nature.
   
   The beauty of who you are, is your ability to administer self-care which is as unique to you, as mine is to me. Maybe you like spinning (on the bikes, not like a toddler… although if that works?!) Doing a mad workout in the garage. Baking. Meal prepping. Budget planning – there are some really crazy people out there!!! The important thing, I’ve learnt, is the lockdown is not about merely powering through. It is, more often than not, about being kind to yourself, and pausing when you need to.
   
   
4. Being alone gives you time to think of others.
   Now, I’m not meaning this to be a guilt-trip, pity-party inducing point. What I mean is, you have the time and space to think about others, to do things for others, and find ways to climb out of your own situation, emotionally.
   
   Obviously, we can’t all rush off to the local Foodbank, or homeless shelter and start volunteering: there is a lockdown in place. But, we can message people to see how they are. We can send random gifts through the post. We can craft things, bake things – even find a pen-pal to whom we can write things. We can contribute to charities who are working hard in the current situation. All of which can be done either secretly (introverts, rejoice!!), or boldly.
   
   Whether you know of someone else who is living alone, or someone who is living in a desperate situation, you are uniquely positioned to step into their world and let them know they’re not alone. Just as others do for you.
   
   
5. Being alone doesn’t have to mean being alone.
   Those who know me, or regularly read my blogs, knew this point would be coming! As a Christian, I know I’m not actually, really alone. I’m not going to sit here and say I always know this, because I don’t. But I do find a sense of peace in knowing God is with me, when I feel at my most lonely and isolated.
   
   When I can lift my head out of my own emotional state of being, and find Him, I know God hasn’t left me – not even for a moment. Physically, I may be alone, but spiritually, I am not.

If this is your season of living like a hermit, like me, let’s not waste it. Sometimes, I too would love nothing more than to hibernate until this is all over. But, I’ve come to the realisation this is where I am at, right now, and God knew I would be where I am. So, I might as well try to make the best of the situation. I know I won’t always feel like embracing this over the next few months, but I’m not going to let the hermit lifestyle beat me!

Finding love in lockdown

So, here we are; the beginning of 2021 and the beginning of another lockdown. All this staying in, and not going out is wreaking havoc with moving forward..! If, like me, you’re single, and living with just Alexa and Siri for conversation, it can be easy to forget what love looks and feels like. Finding love becomes a higher-priority than it may have been under “normal” circumstances.

So, I thought I’d do what I do best – write about finding love.

And it all starts with understanding what love is, so you know what you’re looking for: especially, if like me, you’ve had pretty negative experience of “love” in the past.

Finding love for you
It’s surprising how many of us fail to love ourselves, yet we think we can show love more easily to others. I could be wrong, but I think we can only give to others what we know. I can’t give anyone any advice on financial matters! I can, however, help you find joy in the pages of my favourite books, or a singer with a voice like liquid gold (Josh Groban, in case you were wondering).

So, when it comes to finding love, I believe it has to start with understanding how to love myself. How to be kind to me. How to understand me. Once I do, it becomes easier to communicate with others when I’m struggling, or thriving. It also allows me to know what my limitations are, and what I bring to the table.

Last year, in speaking with a counsellor, I had an epiphany moment. We were talking about love, specifically how people give and receive love. AKA: The five love languages. In knowing how I receive love, as well as how I best show love (quality time) I know how to recognise love within myself.

I love spending time with those I care about, where I can give my undivided attention, and receive their undivided attention. But I also thrive when I spend quality time alone, engaging in activities which bring me joy: being away from a screen, reading, walking in the great outdoors, improving my living space, etc. But isn’t it weird how often we feel guilty when doing “nothing” like this! These were all activities I undertook during the first two lockdowns, so I know once I find a “self-project” for this new lockdown, I’ll find love for me.

Finding love among friends
Now, you might think I am going to talk about asking your friends if they know any singletons who would be a match for you. I’m not. Your friends, and your family, are there to also offer you love. I’ve lost count of the number of times some of my close friends have “scolded me” (in the words of Austen) for not reaching out to them when I needed them.

However, because I’m an introvert, I find it easier to just deal with whatever comes my way, often struggling to know how to ask for help. But, God didn’t make us to be an island! When we’re single, we may not have the one person with whom we can survive this lockdown with, but this doesn’t mean we’ve been left alone. We can find love among our friends and family – even though we don’t live with them – by reaching out to them.

The pandemic has shown which of my friends I can sit and watch a random musical with… or even a ballet, if we ever fix a time! It’s shown those whom I can message for a quick walk – or a more intense hike! The beauty of this is – I’m not dependent on just one person to fulfil all these whims!

Related to the love languages, by identifying not just what mine are, but how my friends show love, I’ve been able to take the guesswork out of finding love. One of my friends loves to give little gifts – not all the time, but when she spots something which reminds her of me, she doesn’t hesitate to buy it. My parents are the same. Whereas another friend of mine shows love through acts of service, little jobs I can’t do. And, because I’ve learned what their love languages are, I can “attempt” to reflect it back to them.

Since learning how to recognise the love language of my family and friends, I have literally found love, everywhere I look!

Finding love in God
As a Christian, I can’t not talk about this level of love, because I know I would have found the lockdowns so much harder to cope with, if it wasn’t for my relationship with Jesus. And I make no apologies for this! I’ve found so much peace in being able to immerse myself in worship, singing along with the band, volume high (sorry Marina – my neighbour!), lost in the moment. It’s literally like a holy hush. , when life has felt at its craziest, or I’m at my lowest.

God speaks our love language: no matter which of the five we lean towards most. So, for me, as someone who values quality time, these moments of “holy hush” are when I know God is with me. Because, He desires for us to spend time with Him, we have a mutual desire for quality time. And it is in His presence, where I find true and lasting love.

Finding love
You can be forgiven for thinking this was going to be one of those dating type of posts. Like I said earlier, I can only talk from experience, and I’ve not experienced romance in lockdown!! So, I hope you can forgive me for avoiding the “quick fix to dating” type of post.

What I have experienced is the ability to find love, and I believe you can, too. Because, when we know how to recognise it:

How to REALLY survive the lockdown, when you live alone

I’ve seen lots of blogs and articles about how to survive the lockdown when you live on your own. I’m not entirely sure they’ve all been written by people who are doing this thing alone. Mainly because some of the tips are quite blasé, without really dealing with the fact being alone is HARD at any time – not just in lockdown UK!

Although I’m not a psychologist (I did do psychology as part of my degree), a therapist, a doctor of human behaviour, or a counsellor, I am a writer living alone. And think that qualifies for something!!

So, my first point is – yeah, it is good to do all those things the professionals advise – video calls, phone calls, reading, being active, listen to music, pray etc. I’ve found they help to pass the time and – as a fully committed hygge-ist – I am all for wrapping myself in the things which help me feel good: Candles, blankets, hammocks, in the garden, chocolate, yada yada.

But none of these things will stop your feeling of loneliness, or sadness.
Whether you’re a people person or not, an introvert or an extrovert, we’re actually used to being around other human beings, most of the time. To have had the choice to engage with real people, removed, and social distancing/isolation enforced for an unknown period of time has, for me, made this situation incredibly challenging. I can only imagine how much harder it is for vulnerable adults having to shield, alone, for longer.

It’s the choice element, which I have found particularly hard to handle. I don’t have pets. I don’t live with anyone. I don’t have family close-by so can’t do that whole tapping on the window to chat and check up on them. Those were my choices. Being alone all day every day for almost a month now, isn’t. But here I am, surviving. Which means you are too.

I’ve always been around people. I have three brothers, and have been part of thriving, busy churches for my whole life. I used to go and work in a coffee shop just to have the noise and bustle of people around me. So, hands up – I probably cried my way through the first couple of weeks! But now, I think I have settled into this temporary “new normal”. I use that phrase hesitantly, with the proviso you know my understanding of “normal” comes from accepting everyone is in lockdown, and “normality” has been disrupted.

The other thing I’ve found a challenge, is not having anyone to talk with. Not just at 3am, when thoughts are racing round my head about whether I am going to catch/already have C-19, or when I am gloved and scarfed-up to go shopping and someone bumps into me, invading my prescribed 2 meter space, or the sadness I’ve felt at the loss of someone I know and respected.

No… it’s the presence of another person. It’s those little conversations you have about nothing when you’re with someone else. You know… funny moments you share together. Discussions about which room to spend your day in. Those thoughts you verbalise because someone is listening. A sentence from a book or an article you just read…

It’s the physical connection, the touch, the hug, the handing of a mug from one to another. It’s knowing you really aren’t alone.

So how do you survive this lockdown, as someone living alone?

You take each day as it comes and you acknowledge how you’re feeling. Don’t try to act like it’s all OK, when it isn’t: It’s OK to not be OK. I know, there are people in a worse situation, but this doesn’t diminish how YOU feel in any given moment about what is happening.

Especially if you’re used to being around your family, close friends or, unlike me, your partner, but have to be apart from them. This brings with it a whole host of emotions, never mind the additional worry about how they are, and whether they are adequately safe.

The way I see it, if my tears matter enough to the God who sees everyone, then they matter. If He cares about my situation, as much as he did about Boris Johnson when he was in intensive care, then I should care enough about my own situation to acknowledge it. If my fears, uncertainty, grief, sadness and worries matter enough for God to comfort me, then they are worth recognising so I can receive the comfort I need.

How do you survive this lockdown?

Like every other situation you’ve encountered, you just do.

You find a way which works for you, and you live it to the best of your ability. Not because an expert has told you how you should do it, but because you know yourself well enough to know what you need to do, if you are going to not just survive, but live, through this.

In acknowledging how you feel, you can begin to show kindness to yourself, rather than hiding from it. For me, it’s been a process of treating myself in ways I would show to others: Taking up coffee and enjoying it in bed listening to the birds by my window, savouring that pain au chocolate I’d been saving for a special occasion, taking my lunch outside to eat it at the pink bistro table, making some GF flatbread – because it does taste better fresh from the oven and I don’t have to wait until I have visitors to do it.

And I’m not going to end with a glib, “because we’re all in this together” because actually… we’re not. Your experience is different to mine. What we share is the ability to conquer this. Firstly by acknowledging the reality, and giving ourselves the space to mental deal with what’s happening. And then by following the tips in all those other blogs and articles!

Louder

Her eyes pricked with tears as the anger threatened to once again rise within her.

To overflow.

This isn’t the right time.

It’s never the right time.

Stretching out her arm, her fingers felt for the dial

She turned the music up

Louder!

Louder!

Could anyone else hear it yet?

Louder!

Anything to drown out the sound of her heart.

Anything to subdue the anger.

As the bass pounded through the seat, it pounded her body,

beating her already bruised heart.

Silencing her pain.

The anger subsided.

She could once again focus on the road ahead.

Red Flag Relationships: More Than Arm Candy

“I just think you should maybe reconsider how you might look to them?”

“But if they’re your friends, won’t they just accept me as I am? For making you happy?”

“Yeah, babe! Of course! But you want to make the best impression, don’t you?”

“But I don’t want to look too over-dressed next to you – you’re just in your baggy jeans and a t-shirt that’s two-sizes too big!”

 

Double-standards, when linked with control, isn’t a healthy combination for a relationship. While it is true, that sometimes we have to dress a certain way to be perceived a certain way, to have a guy try and dictate to you how you look, when he slums it in baggy jeans, or joggers, is not exactly a balanced relationship.

There are men who like to have a beautiful accessory on his arm, and I’m not talking about some kind of gold or silver bracelet! And, yeah…. I know….there are some women who are OK with just being an accessory. I don’t get why – because God did not make women to just be a bit of “arm candy” for men, but to reflect Him as man’s equal. Oh my days, I literally just want to shake those girls by the shoulders and say, “Hey! You’re so much more than an accessory! Have more faith in who you are and what you can achieve!”

And have you seen some of those blokes?!

Seriously, if some guy is coming all up into your life, and wanting you to be his “arm candy”, maybe he needs to make sure he is living up to being attached to your arm in the first place!

A few weeks ago, I wrote about the kinds of men I am not interested in. Not that I want to dictate to a man what he can or can’t do – but basic psychology says that we make a judgement about someone within three seconds of meeting them. Not that I expect I will live to my dream guy’s expectations, because we’re all a work in progress, but I know if I’m going to make a good impression within those first three seconds, part of that does involve my wardrobe choices.

But what I find increasingly annoying are those guys who have a double-standard about how they step out of the house, and how they expect women to step out of the house.

If a man can’t accept you for who you are, wardrobe and all, even if that’s walking around in Ugg boots or crocs **shudder**, or some other such hideous pair of shoes; what’s to say he won’t start trying to change who you are on the inside too, so you start to fit his ideal of what a woman should be? Or to fit his perception of what he thinks you should be.

The way we dress is important….for us! We can’t dress in a certain way in the hope we will be more acceptable, more lovable, more attractive, or whatever. It’s the same as in the work place when a woman’s appearance is judged to be more important than her capabilities.

Outfits change. Our dress sense changes. Our style changes. What doesn’t ever change, is who we really are – but how we reflect that in any given moment should be our choice as women, and not because of how a guy wants to fit you into his agenda. You were made for more! If a man – especially if he hasn’t “put a ring on it” – consistently starts trying to tell you about changing how to dress, maybe it’s time to change your man instead.

Don’t conform to make him accept you more.

Find your own style, and live in the freedom to just be you.

After A Relationship Breakdown…breathe!

The other day, one of my friends asked me an interesting question. But as we were on duty as that day’s media team, and the meeting was due to start, I don’t think I actually answered it. Don’t you just hate it when someone doesn’t answer your question!

I have made the decision to give myself at least a year off from guys, and allow my heart to heal. At the time, when someone suggested it to me, it felt like a really tall order, but actually….it’s great! It’s given me a some breathing space and means I’m not one of those women who jumps from one relationship to another. It is giving me time to get to know myself. Me. The person I am without someone else around. The person I am without having another person trying to dictate to me or change who I am.

Giving yourself the space to reidentify yourself after the breakdown of a relationship is good practice. Jumping from one relationship to another doesn’t allow you to learn who you are and what you stand for, nor does it give you a sense of independence. Your identity apart from another person is important.

Giving you space for healing also is being kind to your heart. You’re protecting yourself from more heartache, you’re telling yourself you matter, your heart matters, your emotional well-being matters. You matter.

And the question? “What happens after the year?”

In all honesty, I’m not sure! I am not going to rush bruising my heart, after the time we are taking to heal. I value me more than that. I don’t want to slouch around hoping everything will work out without first knowing I am walking in the fullness of a heart which is healed and strengthened, after what I’ve walked through.

Don’t Reject You, Part 3

Psychologically, one of the biggest fears a lot of people have, and carry, is a fear of rejection. But as I mentioned in yesterday’s post, when we allow the fear of rejection to cloud the message we receive, we inadvertently end up rejecting those around us. Even when we don’t mean to!

We miss the right message, because we are too focussed on the wrong one.

But if we fully recognised the right message about who we are, then the fear of rejection no longer has such a strong influence over how we see ourself, or how we think we ought to behave.

The ultimate way to beat the fear of rejection, is in knowing that we have never been rejected by One Man. Jesus. When we recognise we are accepted by Him, for every aspect of who we are, including those parts others have rejected in the past, it releases us from fear. Perfect love, after all, has no cause for fear.

I am a work in progress. Having dealt with the rejection of a failed marriage, it can very easily cloud how I perceive future relationships could go. But God is working in me, to change the message I thought about myself, and is bringing it back round to correlate with who He says I am.

And this is the final message for you.

I don’t know what kind of rejection you have experienced, in love, in life, in relationships. But I do know you are not defined by that. I do know that remaining authentic to who you are, as a Christian, means remaining authentic to who God says you are. This, my dear friend, is what will allow you to kick back that fear of rejection. And, it will allow you to learn to accept yourself, rather than reject yourself,

You are not defined by what people rej do about you. We are all fickle. We change our minds all the time. But God – He is constant. And He has chosen to accept you, in spite of your rejection of Him.

Don’t reject who you are, but don’t reject God’s declation of who you are either!

Don’t Reject You, Part 2

When we look to other people for affirmation of who we are, or when we try to be like others who we think are better than we are, we end up missing what’s right in front of us. We end up in danger of rejecting ourselves because we stop being authentic to who we are, in order to appear to more acceptable to others, out of a fear that like many times in our past, we will continue to be rejected if we let people see the real version of who we are.

In constantly seeing the negative in the situation, we are in danger of missing the heart of the message and messenger – those people who fully accept you, and who genuinely love you.

Oh my days, I really can’t imagine what life must be like for those “mood hoover” type of people, who make everything about them. It’s literally like no matter what others do for them, they miss the love and positivity, all the time. It’s like, no matter how much time you spend talking with them, trying to engage them, or inviting them to share life with you, they feel rejected by one thing you do or say “wrong” in their eyes, and so you’re living in their rejection all over again.

There are times in life, I’m not going to lie, when I have focussed on the wrong messaging, missing the right message real friends are trying to communicate. Like when I handle something on my own, and then tell my closest friend what I’d been going through after I’ve come through it, when she has always said, “I’m here for you, stop trying to do it alone!”

It doesn’t make me any more reliant on God, or holy, just because I am trying to go it alone. It means I am foregoing the support He places around me, in order to help me through it. Is this me rejecting Him? Is this me rejecting the place of friendship in my life?

We all have the capability of rejecting people. But learn who you can safely allow into your life, and don’t reject them. When you allow yourself this “luxury” of trusting others, you’re allowing yourself to be vulnerable with your own fear of rejection. And you begin to see that actually, there are a lot of friends who don’t reject you. Don’t base your whole opinion of who you are, on the actions or reactions of one or two people.

Don’t reject you – because they have chosen not to. And if your friends see something in you worth loving, isn’t it time you did too?