This week is mental health awareness week, focused on loneliness. Here’s my take on how to cope, when you feel an overwhelming sense of being alone. #IveBeenThere

The reason why there is such a big focus on loneliness, is because it’s something which affects so many people – a pandemic in its own right. Did you know, around 1 in 4 adults feel lonely, some or all of the time, and this was exasperated during the covid lockdowns.

While anyone can experience feeling lonely, certain risk factors can increase loneliness and affect our mental health, including:

Being widowed
Being single
Being unemployed
Living alone
Having a long-term health condition or disability
Being a carer
Being from an ethnic minority

I’m one of the “lucky” ones, as I can tick off three of those things in the above list: Single, Living alone, and having a long-term health condition. Yay me! But, I’m one of the blessed ones, in that I’ve learned how to embrace my “aloneness” – a term which spins being lonely on it’s head into a positive.

“Loneliness is a lack, a feeling that something is missing, a pain, a depression, a need, an incompleteness, an absence. Aloneness is presence, fullness, aliveness, joy of being, overflowing love. You are complete. Nobody is needed, you are enough.”
vocabulary.com

Embracing our aloneness, doesn’t mean we stop feeling lonely. It means we find ways of not allowing the feelings of loneliness to be so overwhelming.

In practice, what does this mean?

For so many people, their first port of call is to check Social Media. However, in my experience, this has the reverse effect… it actually makes me feel more lonely, because of all the photos and posts of people with family, friends, children etc. So, I honed my social media heavily:

– I became more selective on Instagram about the pages I follow – the beauty of the algorithms, means Instagram stopped showing me content which highlights my lonely life!

– I reduced my time on Facebook… I still want to see what friends are up to, but I tend to read the comments of pages like our local community group, instead: Hours of fun.

– I started using messenger more, to message and video call friends, rather than having a “Facebook stalker” relationship with them.

Even connecting with one person, in the middle of an “I feel so lonely” episode, can break the isolation, and help to feel connected to others.
I also found – especially during lockdown – many entertainment shows, don’t take into consideration the millions of people living on their own. So, as much as I love my boy, Declan Donnelly, and his mate… I stopped watching his programmes, among others, when the “online audience” were all in pairs and groups. I chose to watch programmes I might not have chosen, like documentaries (ancient Egypt anyone?!).
This gave me more time to focus on my hobbies and interests: reading, being outside, and photography.

How does this help to beat loneliness?

Well, being alone doesn’t have to equate to feeling lonely. I know it’s easier for introverts (like me) to handle not being around people as much. But, it’s not impossible for extroverts to own their alonement in a positive way, too – to use the phrase coined by Francesca Specter.

As I said in a previous post, I’m learning to embrace the solo adventure I’m on. Going for solo hikes was a little scary, initially, but… the more I do it, the further I’m venturing. Even attending a “family” event at a medieval castle over Easter! I have even been away on my own: over Christmas, and glamping in Wales.

How does this beat loneliness? Because I’m focusing on things outside of my own head, rather than allowing the thoughts to overwhelm me, and drag me down into a negative thought pattern. I’m alone, but connecting with nature, exploring new places, taking in the present moment in order to find the positives in my situation. Sure, it would be great to have someone with me… sometimes! But actually, I don’t have to wait around before I head off somewhere I want to see.

Even sitting in the garden, I have a couple of squirrels I’m in a daily battle with, over the bird food. No time for feeling lonely!

And as a Christian…

The Bible tells me I’m never alone, because God is with me, and He will not leave me. So, in the moments when I can’t get out, or call anyone, and when I do feel lonely, I’ve connected with God. Through worship, through reading the Scriptures, or prayer, there have been times when I have been blessed by the tangible presence of God, who reassures me I’m not alone.

Don’t struggle in silence

Loneliness is hard. But, you don’t have to feel overwhelmed by a sense of isolation and being lonely. Your situation may not change, but your mindset can.

If you do feel lonely, and aren’t sure how to stop the negative spiral of thoughts from pulling you down, then please… reach out to someone. Even if you’re not sure which of your friends you can contact, there are groups online and numbers you can call, any hour of the day or night.

Find your way of managing your loneliness, so you can embrace the positives in each moment, instead of the negatives. I don’t say it lightly – I say it because it’s what I’ve had to learn to do.

Do we need to choose joy over happiness?

January 14, 2021January 13, 2021Leave a comment

When I first started to explore life as a writer, I remember writing an editorial about the difference between joy versus happiness. I naively tried to say we should pursue joy, and not be so determined to focus merely on happiness. Oh what a sweet, young, fresh-out-of-uni, thing I was!

There is a difference between joy & happiness. And I think the pandemic has shown us the value of both, for bringing peace of mind, in each given day. Or maybe in another 20+ years I’ll write a different blog about how naive I am in this post!

Many people define joy as being on a par, or as being a synonym of happiness. Identifying it as an emotion, and something which is derived from our actions, our successes, or our situation. But, to an extent, I think I disagree. I don’t think the word “joy” is a synonym for “happiness”. I believe they are two distinct entities. They can work together; but being joyful is not dependent on us being happy.

Joy is something which I believe is within us. It is something we have, rather than something we attain. It is not dependent on how we feel – it is not a feeling. It is an attitude, an aptitude, a resolution we make, to dig deep and not allow the external pressures negatively impact.

As a Christian, I also know joy is one part of the fruit of the Spirit. It is a gift from God which grows within us, when we allow it to, from our seed of faith. How do we allow joy to grow? We water the seed by asking the Holy Spirit to be present in our day, so He can allow joy to be recognised in every situation. We water the seed by asking God to change the way we think about a situation, and to show us the joyful element, rather than focusing on the doom and disaster element we naturally think on. We water the seed by making the choice for joy to be our focus in the moment. We water the seed by centring ourselves – not on ourselves, but on God.

Don’t we?

Happiness is defined as the state of being happy. It is something we can achieve by actively pursuing acts which bring us a feeling of happiness. And there are so many books, podcasts, and programmes about how to be happy, to show it is a goal we all strive for. It’s a feeling. We feel happy when we know we’ve helped someone. We feel happy when we know we’ve done some good. We feel happy when we know we’ve produced a good piece of work, or made a customer smile, or receive praise from others. It’s a warm glow we have when it feels like all is right with the world.

To some extent, we can actively engage in activities which help us to feel happy – whether for a moment, or for a day. I know, because I’ve been participating in the Action for Happiness 10 day happiness challenge. It involves things like being out in nature, doing a random act of kindness, or taking a moment to step away from the computer when we feel stressed, to re-focus through mindfulness.

But, what if there was a perfect balance between joy and happiness. What if we can combine watering the fruit of the Spirit in our lives to produce more joy, with the sense of happiness we can achieve when we pursue those things which make us happy. What kind of impact would this have on our lives, as well as on the lives of those around us?

Is it possible to combine the two? Internal joy with external happiness? I believe so! I don’t think, as I naively did after finishing uni, it is a case of choosing joy over happiness. Instead, I believe it is a matter of allowing joy and happiness to bring a sense of balance to our daily lives. A life centred around God, being led by His Spirit, as we seek to carry out those activities which takes us beyond a challenging or stressful situation.

Or at least… I’m aiming to see if it is possible, in the way I live in 2021!

When the Hermit life is forced upon you

January 8, 2021Leave a comment

When I was growing up, I had absolutely no ambitions to be a hermit; I don’t know about you. I grew up in a house with three brothers, and often wished they would “just leave me alone”, or “get out of my room!” But, until adulthood, I’d never actually known what it was like to be alone.

Even when I first moved into my own place in London, I was so rarely in the flat, it was a relief to go home and fall into bed, or enjoy a peaceful morning before heading back out. And, more recently after my divorce, if I felt like being alone was too lonely, I’d often take myself off to a coffee shop or restaurant with my laptop or a book, and find solace in “people-noise”.

But, now, I find myself living as a hermit! Some are born hermits, some achieve hermit-status, whilst others have hermitness thrust upon us. AKA a recluse. AKA a loner.

Before 2020, all of these ways in which we classed people who CHOSE to be alone, had negative connotations. We weren’t sure what to make of anyone who didn’t interact with others. As children, we passed on scary stories of the old recluse, or the miserly hermit as someone to be afraid of.

Now, however, there are millions of people living alone, who have been forced into seclusion. I know we weren’t created to “be alone”; but surely there are some benefits to living by ourselves? Even for prolonged periods, like this, when we can’t even hide among the crowds.

Being alone isn’t (always) something to be afraid of.
Essentially, the choice of being around people has been taken away. I know we can meet with someone from a different household for exercise or spend time with our support bubble, yada yada, but this isn’t really the same thing. So, we have to find ways to deal with the situation we’re in. Which means, first and foremost, embracing it. Even for introverts, the lockdown is tough: because whilst we do enjoy our own company, we also have our favourite people with whom we like spending time with.

Being alone doesn’t make you the kind of person others don’t want to be around. Nor does it mean you are unloveable. And it definitely doesn’t make you the person you heard about as a youngster who scared little children. These are lies designed to kick you when you’re already feeling low.

I know it’s not your choice. I know you’d rather be with people: probably even a special person. I know it’s hard. And I know it feels like there is no end to the loneliness. But, don’t fear the future, embrace the time you have for yourself, whilst you have it. This won’t last forever. It can’t.
Being alone can actually be empowering.
When you lived at home, how much freedom did you really have with your space? Or in how you wanted to spend your day? Or in discovering yourself? Being alone empowers you to do all this, and more.

Running a home by yourself is a huge financial challenge – but it can also give you the greatest sense of achievement. I’m not the world’s greatest DIY-er, but I’ve built stuff, and fixed stuff which is allowing me to create the space I want. When I first moved in, I was in a very different place, emotionally, and my home reflected my state of mind. So now, as I change, my home is slowly changing with me, and is becoming my sanctuary. So, it is a real blessing, on some of those darkest days, to shut out the world, switch on the fire, and be me in peace.

I can hear myself think – not always a good thing, granted! But, I have the opportunity to spend time with myself, read as late as I want, eat what I want, watch what I want, sing as loudly as I want, cry when I need to without having to hide behind my hair, and dance like no one is watching – because it would be a bit stalkerish if there was!

All of these empower me to feel comfortable in my skin, as I understand myself better, without the shadow of a stronger personality inhibiting me.
Being alone enables you to practice self-care.
I think this is a big one for us, especially during the prolonged lockdown, because it does feel harder as time goes on. And this, my friend, is nothing to be ashamed of. I’m in my 40’s and have days when I really struggle – I’m not going to lie. And, I don’t think there is any age when it becomes easier to live alone.

The first step to self-care is recognising when you need it. The second is identifying what you can do to administer what you need, when you need it. For some, this might mean a video or phone call – just so you can talk to someone! For someone else, it might mean leaving the house – I’m so thankful I live on the edge of the Peak District, and have so many incredible places to walk or hike: sometimes with a friend, sometimes alone. Sometimes, with the opportunity to purchase food & drink to take with me. My greatest sense of self-care is when I am out in nature.

The beauty of who you are, is your ability to administer self-care which is as unique to you, as mine is to me. Maybe you like spinning (on the bikes, not like a toddler… although if that works?!) Doing a mad workout in the garage. Baking. Meal prepping. Budget planning – there are some really crazy people out there!!! The important thing, I’ve learnt, is the lockdown is not about merely powering through. It is, more often than not, about being kind to yourself, and pausing when you need to.
Being alone gives you time to think of others.
Now, I’m not meaning this to be a guilt-trip, pity-party inducing point. What I mean is, you have the time and space to think about others, to do things for others, and find ways to climb out of your own situation, emotionally.

Obviously, we can’t all rush off to the local Foodbank, or homeless shelter and start volunteering: there is a lockdown in place. But, we can message people to see how they are. We can send random gifts through the post. We can craft things, bake things – even find a pen-pal to whom we can write things. We can contribute to charities who are working hard in the current situation. All of which can be done either secretly (introverts, rejoice!!), or boldly.

Whether you know of someone else who is living alone, or someone who is living in a desperate situation, you are uniquely positioned to step into their world and let them know they’re not alone. Just as others do for you.
Being alone doesn’t have to mean being alone.
Those who know me, or regularly read my blogs, knew this point would be coming! As a Christian, I know I’m not actually, really alone. I’m not going to sit here and say I always know this, because I don’t. But I do find a sense of peace in knowing God is with me, when I feel at my most lonely and isolated.

When I can lift my head out of my own emotional state of being, and find Him, I know God hasn’t left me – not even for a moment. Physically, I may be alone, but spiritually, I am not.

If this is your season of living like a hermit, like me, let’s not waste it. Sometimes, I too would love nothing more than to hibernate until this is all over. But, I’ve come to the realisation this is where I am at, right now, and God knew I would be where I am. So, I might as well try to make the best of the situation. I know I won’t always feel like embracing this over the next few months, but I’m not going to let the hermit lifestyle beat me!

Finding love in lockdown

January 5, 2021January 6, 2021Leave a comment

So, here we are; the beginning of 2021 and the beginning of another lockdown. All this staying in, and not going out is wreaking havoc with moving forward..! If, like me, you’re single, and living with just Alexa and Siri for conversation, it can be easy to forget what love looks and feels like. Finding love becomes a higher-priority than it may have been under “normal” circumstances.

So, I thought I’d do what I do best – write about finding love.

And it all starts with understanding what love is, so you know what you’re looking for: especially, if like me, you’ve had pretty negative experience of “love” in the past.

Finding love for you
It’s surprising how many of us fail to love ourselves, yet we think we can show love more easily to others. I could be wrong, but I think we can only give to others what we know. I can’t give anyone any advice on financial matters! I can, however, help you find joy in the pages of my favourite books, or a singer with a voice like liquid gold (Josh Groban, in case you were wondering).

So, when it comes to finding love, I believe it has to start with understanding how to love myself. How to be kind to me. How to understand me. Once I do, it becomes easier to communicate with others when I’m struggling, or thriving. It also allows me to know what my limitations are, and what I bring to the table.

Last year, in speaking with a counsellor, I had an epiphany moment. We were talking about love, specifically how people give and receive love. AKA: The five love languages. In knowing how I receive love, as well as how I best show love (quality time) I know how to recognise love within myself.

I love spending time with those I care about, where I can give my undivided attention, and receive their undivided attention. But I also thrive when I spend quality time alone, engaging in activities which bring me joy: being away from a screen, reading, walking in the great outdoors, improving my living space, etc. But isn’t it weird how often we feel guilty when doing “nothing” like this! These were all activities I undertook during the first two lockdowns, so I know once I find a “self-project” for this new lockdown, I’ll find love for me.

Finding love among friends
Now, you might think I am going to talk about asking your friends if they know any singletons who would be a match for you. I’m not. Your friends, and your family, are there to also offer you love. I’ve lost count of the number of times some of my close friends have “scolded me” (in the words of Austen) for not reaching out to them when I needed them.

However, because I’m an introvert, I find it easier to just deal with whatever comes my way, often struggling to know how to ask for help. But, God didn’t make us to be an island! When we’re single, we may not have the one person with whom we can survive this lockdown with, but this doesn’t mean we’ve been left alone. We can find love among our friends and family – even though we don’t live with them – by reaching out to them.

The pandemic has shown which of my friends I can sit and watch a random musical with… or even a ballet, if we ever fix a time! It’s shown those whom I can message for a quick walk – or a more intense hike! The beauty of this is – I’m not dependent on just one person to fulfil all these whims!

Related to the love languages, by identifying not just what mine are, but how my friends show love, I’ve been able to take the guesswork out of finding love. One of my friends loves to give little gifts – not all the time, but when she spots something which reminds her of me, she doesn’t hesitate to buy it. My parents are the same. Whereas another friend of mine shows love through acts of service, little jobs I can’t do. And, because I’ve learned what their love languages are, I can “attempt” to reflect it back to them.

Since learning how to recognise the love language of my family and friends, I have literally found love, everywhere I look!

Finding love in God
As a Christian, I can’t not talk about this level of love, because I know I would have found the lockdowns so much harder to cope with, if it wasn’t for my relationship with Jesus. And I make no apologies for this! I’ve found so much peace in being able to immerse myself in worship, singing along with the band, volume high (sorry Marina – my neighbour!), lost in the moment. It’s literally like a holy hush. , when life has felt at its craziest, or I’m at my lowest.

God speaks our love language: no matter which of the five we lean towards most. So, for me, as someone who values quality time, these moments of “holy hush” are when I know God is with me. Because, He desires for us to spend time with Him, we have a mutual desire for quality time. And it is in His presence, where I find true and lasting love.

Finding love
You can be forgiven for thinking this was going to be one of those dating type of posts. Like I said earlier, I can only talk from experience, and I’ve not experienced romance in lockdown!! So, I hope you can forgive me for avoiding the “quick fix to dating” type of post.

What I have experienced is the ability to find love, and I believe you can, too. Because, when we know how to recognise it:

The Shabbat Year

July 21, 2020Leave a comment

On Sunday 12th July, I was invited to speak at my Church’s online service To hear the fill message, please visit the page here. Otherwise, please read and reflect on this overview.

If you were asked to describe your lockdown experience, what kind of words would you use?

For me, it was a lockdown of two parts:

PART ONE: Tears & tantrums, but I don’t need to elaborate!
PART TWO: Recognising SHMITA

Literally, before lockdown had even started, I was already anxious about how I thought I would cope, living on my own! But, at some point in those early stages, my perspective changed. Instead of fighting against what was happening, I chose to see this as a God-given opportunity.

We already know God is not flustered by 2020. He knew about covid, and the global lockdown before the word pandemic was even thought up. He knew and wasn’t fazed, though we were thrown by what was happening. We already know God is more than able to calm the storm and still the chaos, and we know God has a plan and a purpose for our lives…. So, what if God ordained 2020 as your SHABBAT YEAR?

Shabbat is a Hebrew word which literally means:
A time to rest; to pause; to catch our breath and wait on God.

Before March 23rd, if your diary was anything like mine, it was busy. Packed with places to be, people to see, things to do, deadlines to meet. Time to pack for this conference, or that event… it wasn’t unheard of for me to have a couple of hours at home to unpack one suitcase, and repack for a different event. Or to come home from one trip, and go straight into another meeting.

What was your normal?
Do you look back and realise it was too much?
Had you become a slave to your schedule, diary and other expectations, to the point you didn’t seem to have time to do the things you really wanted to do?
Enslaved, in your own personal Egypt?

As lockdown lifts… are you planning to return to Egypt? Or has this caused you to reflect on what is actually important, and see there is a different way to live? If this is God’s ordained SHABBAT YEAR, will you go back to filling your time with everything except God, or His plans and purposes for your life?

Because there are some people reading this, who had dreams of things you wanted to do, the person you wanted to be, as you walked with God. But as you became busy with life, those dreams were packed away and put on a shelf, ready for “one day”.

There are others, and you know you’ve drifted from God. You’re not where you thought you would be. You started off the year, like every year, promising to pray more, read the Bible more, be braver as you followed what you believe God was leading you to do…. But then, life.

So, God, in His infinite grace, mercy, and love hit the pause button.

You asked Him for more time to be with Him
You asked Him for more time to do the things you think He has called you to do
You asked him for the space to be able to find peace in Him

He heard. He responded. He hit the pause button and said, “OK. Let’s do this together. Come to Me, I can see you are weary, and I will give you rest.”

Hebrews 4:1 says, “While the promise of entering His rest still stands, let us fear lest any of you should seem to have failed to reach it.”

Isaiah 40:31 says, “those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength…”

Hebrews 4:9 says, “So then, there remains a SHABBAT REST for the people of God. For whoever has entered God’s rest has also rested from His works as God did from His.”

Which is a reference to Genesis 2:1-3, “And on the seventh day, God finished His work that He had done. So God blessed the seventh day and made it holy…”

I heard a message earlier in the week, I think it was by Lisa Harper, and she described God resting like this: For six days, God had spoken. He had created the world, and everything in it, having spoken it into being. When you speak, you breath out. A lot. So, on the 7^th day, when God rested, He caught His breath. He literally took a deep breath in.

Sabbath is not a request. It’s a command. It’s one of the ten commandments, to be precise. What if you were to count all the weeks where you didn’t really take a Shabbat. Where you didn’t actually stop from your work, but kept going. How many days would you be in debt? So far, the lockdown is like just over two years in owed Shabbat.

When we see it like that, lockdown is no longer about the Government restrictions, or covid-19. It’s about being in obedience to God.

1 Samuel 15: 22 says, “…to obey is better than sacrifice…”

By disobeying God’s command to take a Sabbath rest, is to place ourselves above God. He made the Sabbath for us, not us for the Sabbath. Meaning, there is a benefit to resting from work, and catching our breath, just as God did.

Just as Jesus often did. He often withdrew away from the crowd by Himself. To pray, to spend time with the Father, hearing where He should go, or what He should do next. In those times, He was renewed, refreshed, strengthened and empowered.

The Bible also describes laws around the Sabbath Year, a Shmita (literally, seventh), when the land was supposed to rest. For the Jewish people, Shmita wasn’t about sitting around doing nothing. Whilst it is an agricultural requirement, people use the time they would normally spend working, doing those activities they don’t have time to do:

To connect with God
To spend time with their family – extended, not just immediate – and friends.
To study – not just the Scriptures, but for personal development too
To develop their skills/talents/giftings
To do those things around the house which never seem to get done.

So, part two of my lockdown, became my Shmita. I focused on developing my skills as a writer, both professionally, by completing my CPD points, and personally, by entering competitions. I built a sofa out of pallets for the garden, and tackled other areas to make it an outdoor room. I updated my bedroom; and started to enjoy being at home.

WHAT IF God has a new skill He wants to develop in you?
WHAT IF He wants to stir up a new gifting?
WHAT IF He wants to give you a deeper revelation of Himself, through the study of His Word?

As we walk into a new season. A season of freedom, after restrictions are lifted, or going back to normal, however you want to see it, let me leave you with these questions:

How will the rest of your Shabbat Year look?
Will you return to a life enslaved to business?
or will you start to enjoy Shabbat Rest with God?

Help my unbelief

May 11, 2020June 17, 2020Leave a comment

On Sunday 10th May, 2020, I had the honour of sharing a message through my church’s online service. I have since received many messages from people saying it was exactly what they needed to hear. As well as requests for me to put something in writing. So, here is a condensed blog based on what I said. If you want to have a listen, click here.

Mark 9: 21:24
So Jesus asked [the father], “How long has this been happening to [your son]?” And he said, “From childhood.And often [the spirit] has thrown him both into the fire and into the water to destroy him. But if You can do anything, have compassion on us and help us.”

Jesus said to him, “If you can believe, all things are possible to him who believes.”

Immediately the father of the child cried out and said with tears,
“Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!”

I love the simplicity of this prayer, in verse 24: With tears in his eyes, the man said to Jesus, “Lord I believe; help my unbelief!”

A prayer for Christians, in the middle of all this craziness
For me, last week was a tough week. Bad news hit, one day after another, for three days in a row. Two people I’d worked with, and someone I was in the middle of writing about, had died. And in between, we heard a friend of mine had a stroke. This all following the deaths of two others I knew in the preceding weeks. These things hit me, like tidal waves. One after another. And, I was left reeling.

But in the middle of it all… This verse:

“Lord I believe;
help my unbelief!”

So, I see this being the prayer of a believer. The first part says as much – “Lord, I believe.” For those of us who are Christians, our problem is not that we don’t have faith in God.

But often we can become overwhelmed by our situation.

We present them to God: God, look at this mess! Look at what is happening right now! Look at what I am facing! God, please, just take a look. Have compassion on us. Have mercy on us. What is happening right now? I don’t understand!

We know He is God.
We know He can fix it.
We know He is in control.
We know He is still on the throne.

But, all we can see is a huge mess.

So, yes… Lord… Although I believe in YOU.
Have you seen what is happening right now?

I believe YOU ARE GOD
I believe there is NOTHING You cannot do!
I believe the storm can be stilled
I believe You are the God who heals
I believe you bring peace I don’t understand, in spite of what is happening
I believe the battle is Yours, and You will fight for me, and my family

But Lord…. Help my unbelief.
Because what I can see, doesn’t match what I believe, right now.

Step one: Stop looking around!
Although we can’t see how this can change, we believe God can do it. Because this is what faith is! Believing something be true – the evidence of what we can’t see, yet (Hebrews 11:1).

Romans 8:24-25: …hope that is seen is not hope; for why does one still hope for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we eagerly wait for it with perseverance.

And then we remember the past

Because we are human, we also tend to look backward, at our past failings and disappointments, presenting these to God, along with the current mess.

Lord, remember when this person prayed for my situation, and nothing changed.
Lord, remember when someone gave me that word from You, but nothing happened.
Lord, remember when I cried in the middle of the night because my life had gone so wrong.
Remember when I lost that job, remember when I didn’t get that promotion, remember when I had that accident, remember when I wanted a child, remember when I became ill. Remember, Lord? Remember???

Lord… I do believe.
In You.

You who created the heavens and the earth and everything in it
You who saw me before I even took my first breath
Your who breathed Your very breath into my lungs
You, who with one touch, can heal.
You, who with one word, can turn any situation around.
You, who by the Power of Your Holy Spirit raised Jesus from the dead
Who by the same power gives us life. In abundance.
You, who knows what I need before I even ask you

But right now, I need You to help my unbelief.
Because I am weak.
I have been weakened by my past disappointments.
I’ve been weakened by people who said they spoke for You.
I’ve been weakened by unanswered prayer from my past.

Step two: Stop looking backward!
We know who God is, and we know He has worked in our lives in the past. Instead of focusing on the times when we didn’t see an answer to prayer, it’s time to focus on all those times He did.

Lord, remember when you blessed me last week.
Remember when you answered that prayer.
Remember when you showed how much You care through the kindness of friends and strangers.
Remember when you healed me.
Remember when you healed my friend.
Remember when You rescued me that time
Remember when You turned my life around.
Remember then, Lord?

And then we doubt we’re good enough for God to help us

Just like the father in this passage, we hesitantly ask Jesus, “if you can do anything…” And then we might soften it a little, unsure of whether we can directly ask for what we really want: “…have compassion on us and help us.” (V22)

Jesus I believe… in You… But do I always believe you are willing to help me?
In this, Lord, help my unbelief.

This is when Jesus asks of us, just as He did of the child’s father: If you can believe, all things are possible to him who believes.

There is a difference between faithlessness and when we have allowed our faith to become limited – for whatever reason.

A few years ago, a friend of mine bought me a necklace with a tiny mustard seed in it. It is a beautiful reminder for me, that I don’t always need to have big faith. And when my faith isn’t as big as it could be, that’s OK. But, I am also grateful God’s stepping into my situation, or the problem, is not dependent on how much faith I have. He just says, “If you CAN believe, all things are possible to him who believes.”

Step three: Stop looking inward!
When we know who we are, and who God is, we don’t need to be shy about asking God for help. We have a boldness to approach Him about anything, knowing He will hear us and He will help us. Kids don’t hesitate in asking for things. So, if we are truly children of God, why do we hold back, thinking we are unworthy of His help, or attention?

Hebrews 4:16 “So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most.”

In conclusion…

So, instead of looking around, backward, or inward, we need to look up. Away from the problem, away from other people, and away from our flaws or what we think needs to happen. Looking, instead, to the One who gives life.

Our belief in God Himself may be unwavering. This is the one thing we are sure of in all this craziness. That we have a God, who loves us, who saved us, who forgives us and has an eternal future awaiting us.

And so, because we really do know the character and nature of God, this is why we can say, with true conviction, sometimes with tears in our eyes,

“Yes! Lord I do believe;
this week, I ask, please help my unbelief! Amen!”

Wait? I’m not sure if I do believe!

If you can’t yet say, “Lord, I believe”… Here is an invitation for you:

In Deuteronomy 30:19 God says:
“This commandment that I’m commanding you today isn’t too much for you, it’s not out of your reach. It’s not on a high mountain… And it’s not across the ocean… No. The word is right here and now… I place before you Life and Death, Blessing and Curse. Choose life… And love God, your God, listening obediently to him, firmly embracing him. Oh yes, he is life itself…”

If this is where you are at, here is a prayer for you:

Lord I want to believe;
but help me in my unbelief! Amen!”

How to REALLY survive the lockdown, when you live alone

April 15, 20201 Comment

I’ve seen lots of blogs and articles about how to survive the lockdown when you live on your own. I’m not entirely sure they’ve all been written by people who are doing this thing alone. Mainly because some of the tips are quite blasé, without really dealing with the fact being alone is HARD at any time – not just in lockdown UK!

Although I’m not a psychologist (I did do psychology as part of my degree), a therapist, a doctor of human behaviour, or a counsellor, I am a writer living alone. And think that qualifies for something!!

So, my first point is – yeah, it is good to do all those things the professionals advise – video calls, phone calls, reading, being active, listen to music, pray etc. I’ve found they help to pass the time and – as a fully committed hygge-ist – I am all for wrapping myself in the things which help me feel good: Candles, blankets, hammocks, in the garden, chocolate, yada yada.

But none of these things will stop your feeling of loneliness, or sadness.
Whether you’re a people person or not, an introvert or an extrovert, we’re actually used to being around other human beings, most of the time. To have had the choice to engage with real people, removed, and social distancing/isolation enforced for an unknown period of time has, for me, made this situation incredibly challenging. I can only imagine how much harder it is for vulnerable adults having to shield, alone, for longer.

It’s the choice element, which I have found particularly hard to handle. I don’t have pets. I don’t live with anyone. I don’t have family close-by so can’t do that whole tapping on the window to chat and check up on them. Those were my choices. Being alone all day every day for almost a month now, isn’t. But here I am, surviving. Which means you are too.

I’ve always been around people. I have three brothers, and have been part of thriving, busy churches for my whole life. I used to go and work in a coffee shop just to have the noise and bustle of people around me. So, hands up – I probably cried my way through the first couple of weeks! But now, I think I have settled into this temporary “new normal”. I use that phrase hesitantly, with the proviso you know my understanding of “normal” comes from accepting everyone is in lockdown, and “normality” has been disrupted.

The other thing I’ve found a challenge, is not having anyone to talk with. Not just at 3am, when thoughts are racing round my head about whether I am going to catch/already have C-19, or when I am gloved and scarfed-up to go shopping and someone bumps into me, invading my prescribed 2 meter space, or the sadness I’ve felt at the loss of someone I know and respected.

No… it’s the presence of another person. It’s those little conversations you have about nothing when you’re with someone else. You know… funny moments you share together. Discussions about which room to spend your day in. Those thoughts you verbalise because someone is listening. A sentence from a book or an article you just read…

It’s the physical connection, the touch, the hug, the handing of a mug from one to another. It’s knowing you really aren’t alone.

So how do you survive this lockdown, as someone living alone?

You take each day as it comes and you acknowledge how you’re feeling. Don’t try to act like it’s all OK, when it isn’t: It’s OK to not be OK. I know, there are people in a worse situation, but this doesn’t diminish how YOU feel in any given moment about what is happening.

Especially if you’re used to being around your family, close friends or, unlike me, your partner, but have to be apart from them. This brings with it a whole host of emotions, never mind the additional worry about how they are, and whether they are adequately safe.

The way I see it, if my tears matter enough to the God who sees everyone, then they matter. If He cares about my situation, as much as he did about Boris Johnson when he was in intensive care, then I should care enough about my own situation to acknowledge it. If my fears, uncertainty, grief, sadness and worries matter enough for God to comfort me, then they are worth recognising so I can receive the comfort I need.

How do you survive this lockdown?

Like every other situation you’ve encountered, you just do.

You find a way which works for you, and you live it to the best of your ability. Not because an expert has told you how you should do it, but because you know yourself well enough to know what you need to do, if you are going to not just survive, but live, through this.

In acknowledging how you feel, you can begin to show kindness to yourself, rather than hiding from it. For me, it’s been a process of treating myself in ways I would show to others: Taking up coffee and enjoying it in bed listening to the birds by my window, savouring that pain au chocolate I’d been saving for a special occasion, taking my lunch outside to eat it at the pink bistro table, making some GF flatbread – because it does taste better fresh from the oven and I don’t have to wait until I have visitors to do it.

And I’m not going to end with a glib, “because we’re all in this together” because actually… we’re not. Your experience is different to mine. What we share is the ability to conquer this. Firstly by acknowledging the reality, and giving ourselves the space to mental deal with what’s happening. And then by following the tips in all those other blogs and articles!

Louder

March 22, 2018Leave a comment

Her eyes pricked with tears as the anger threatened to once again rise within her.

To overflow.

This isn’t the right time.

It’s never the right time.

Stretching out her arm, her fingers felt for the dial

She turned the music up

Louder!

Could anyone else hear it yet?

Louder!

Anything to drown out the sound of her heart.

Anything to subdue the anger.

As the bass pounded through the seat, it pounded her body,

beating her already bruised heart.

Silencing her pain.

The anger subsided.

She could once again focus on the road ahead.

Is it possible to laugh without fear of the future?

March 17, 2018Leave a comment

The image above, is of a picture I have hanging in my stairway. I pass it everyday. I have the same phrase in a framed word art in the hallway. I see it every time I walk through the front door. “She laughs without fear of the future.”

I don’t know about you, but in life, I’ve experienced times when it feels like my laugh has been silenced. And I’ve feared what the future holds, because the future is uncertain. I guess that’s why so many people get sucked into fortune tellers and horoscopes.

It’s hard when you can’t see what is happening, or going to happen. When you can’t work out how something will transpire, because it feels like everything is against your deepest desires. Or when you’re in the middle of a storm, and your future feels like it’s just going to be more of the same. How can you even think about laughing, let alone not be afraid?!

The two actions, are not mutually exclusive. I don’t think. I have experienced an intensely dark fear of the future, which stole the laugh within me. There have been times when I am unsure, though not afraid, of how the future can be better than the present, and am able to laugh in the face of it. And there are times I am afraid of what the future holds, yet still can laugh.

Not because it doesn’t bother me. Or it doesn’t bother you. I think that’s the mistake people make: if someone is laughing, then everything must be ok. Right? But actually, they might be hurting, crying or desperate inside. How can someone be afraid, and be laughing at the same time? It goes against normal human behaviour.

It comes down to one thing, for me anyway. While my future clearly isn’t going to be what I imagined it to be ten, twenty years ago; neither will it end up how I had resigned it would be, five years ago. And whilst I can’t see how it can possibly change, as I look through my flawed vision; when I look back retrospectively, I couldn’t have envisioned how life has turned out, compared to a year ago. It’s down to the One who has my future worked out.

This is what causes someone like me to laugh without fear of the future. Uncertainty, I have. Doubt, I have. Fear….. I have. And yet through it all, I won’t allow my laughter to be stolen from me.

youcantslouchinheels

Encouragement for the Christian Walk

Category: Emotional Wellbeing

And yet, even there, God speaks

Mental Health Awareness Week: Loneliness